He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
