She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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