I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
