I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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