Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize