I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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