I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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