How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Green mimosas i think yes
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
