Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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