I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
