when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
