I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
