I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just invented taco cereal.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
