STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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