On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
