Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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