The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
