he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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