i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
