did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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