my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
