I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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