Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
