I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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