So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
