The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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