I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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