For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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