yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
