omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
