You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize