i permit you to call me
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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