"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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