i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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