i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
