We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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