We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
