Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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