hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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