I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
