My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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