Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
