I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
