actually, I'm a sock model
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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