I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
