I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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