watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
