She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
