Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
