if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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