My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
