I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
