you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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