I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
