There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
dude. I can hear the air.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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