I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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